I am hereby inaugurating an ongoing series of posts called "That's Nasty!", in which Mary and I will dissect current gross fashion trends, and explain why they are so offensive and NASTY. Today's totally nasty fashion item is what I consider, personally, to be one of the most disgusting trends of 2017. I am speaking, of course, of the horror of CULOTTES!
I fucking hate culottes. They are floppy, shapeless, unflattering, and sloppy looking. And it's not just me - culottes have been hated for longer than you think! The French word "culotte" means an item of clothing worn on the lower half of the body. In France in the 1700s, it referred specifically to the little short-pants aristocratic men would wear - you know the type, the ones that button under the knee and are tight and also you wear hose underneath them. The term "sans-culottes" was used to describe working-class revolutionaries during the french revolution of 1789. It quite literally means "without culottes" - a name derived from their rejection of artistocratic apparel - ie, those horrid culottes!
Not unlike a 18th-century French revolutionary, I also despise culottes! Behold, a cabinet of contemporary culotte horrors:
PART II: JEANS
Alright, so that was just the PANTS side of the culottes equation, y'all. And seriously, I'm not going to mince words. Okay, deep breath.... We're getting very, very close to full-on elephant-pants, chode-legged JNCO territory. If for some reason, you are lucky enough to not know what JNCOs are (ie, maybe you didn't go to high school in the late 90s/early 2000s - GOOD FOR YOU), sorry, but it's time for your innocence to be well and truly shattered.
SOME EXAMPLES OF JNCOs:
JNCOs, also known as "raver pants" to my high school friends, were low-waisted, giant-pocketed, HUGELY hemmed jeans that were really fucking cool and popular like 17 years ago. They were always made of denim - the black ones were more popular with my friends group because we were on stage crew and had to wear black during shows/teen gothism - and were usually not seen without some sort of studded belt holding them up, and a wallet chain leading from belt loop to pocket. In any event, though I did indeed wear bellbottoms and flares, I never really understood the appeal of these elephantine-legged jeans. That's a lot of denim to drag around. Also, why do you want to be able to fit a small child into each of your pant legs? IS IT THAT YOUR PANTS ARE SO BIG BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF SECRETS? I don't know. What I do know is, these jeans are disgusting. Behold:
In conclusion, don't be a fool - when the revolution comes, I know of at least one item of clothing we will NOT be wearing! Vive le sans culottes!