ALERT! ALERT! 'FETCH' IS HAPPENING! I REPEAT, THEY MADE 'FETCH' HAPPEN!

OH MY GOD, Y’ALL. It has been A WHILE. So many horrific fashions have come and… like, stayed. Let’s make a little list of things I’ve been meaning to bitch about:

  • Fucking Birkenstocks: people are wearing them without shame. Still.

  • Horrible straight-across necklines with spaghetti straps (not unlike a dress I made to wear to a formal dance in high school circa 1999) were back and popular this summer.

  • Wide, short pants continue their reign of terror.

  • RIDICULOUS SLEEVES REFUSE TO DIE

  • Giant, hideous sneakers - because clowns r so hot right now?

  • TEVAS.

I mean, there are many more, and hopefully I will get it together to write actual posts about some of the shit listed above sometime. But like, yo, I really have to talk to you all about something important. Like, really important. It’s called, ahem, POLARFLEECE IS NOW TRENDY, FUCKING KILL ME.

BEHOLD:

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Yes, that’s a bunch of fucking nubby, stanky, just-looking-at-them-makes-me-feel-sweaty, godforsaken POLARFLEECE JACQUETS available for purchase (at the low low price of one hundred thirty eight fucking dollars) from JCrew.

Let’s take a closer look at one of these bad boys:

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Ah, I see the half-zip is a mere $128! For the poors! According to J.Crew, “Yes, the fleece jacket is back, and better than ever.” Bitch, I honestly beg to differ. First of all, it’s still polarfleece - which, in case you didn’t know, is a bunch of plastic extruded into fibers and made into fabric, for mondo sweatiness. Second of all, just looking at this shit makes me think of the great polar fleece craze of ‘95, when Old Navy was new and exciting and everyone’s mom bought them a selection of hideous polar fleece zip-down sweater things in awful jewel tones for xmas.

Like, what the FUCK is up with this trend???

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100% nubby-ass polyester! For $350! WHAT!!!

What is up with this fluffy polyester “teddy bear coat” trend???? These coats are all going to look like the filthy, matted rug of a chuck-e-cheez in a matter of weeks!

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Low stock on Asos.com! Better snap up this brown polyester turd coat before some other betch does!

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There’s nothing like paying over $250 for an item of clothing made entirely of polyester, wouldn’t you agree?

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If brown isn’t your style, maybe this depressive pink will do it for you?

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Or maybe this little number, straight outta the J.Jill catalogue circa 1998, via contemporary retailer Anthropologie, is more your style? Still 100% polyester, still over $100, still makes you look like a fluffy fool.

So, who can we blame for this trend?

I will give you one word.

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Apparently Balenciaga made some stupid furry coat that costs like $5,000 last fall and that’s now what everyone is copying. Here’s Kim Kardashian, looking truly tragic, in said coat:

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BARF, dude! BARF.

Look, man, wear what you want. But don’t expect me to call polar fleece and/or various fluffy polyester separates “fashion”. Here’s what it is really is: clothes for people who want to look like they go on hikes a lot. So, go take a hike, and maybe wear something made of natural fibers.