That's Nasty! The Worst Fashion Trends of 2017: CULOTTES

by Simone

I am hereby inaugurating an ongoing series of posts called "That's Nasty!", in which Mary and I will dissect current gross fashion trends, and explain why they are so offensive and NASTY. Today's totally nasty fashion item is what I consider, personally, to be one of the most disgusting trends of 2017. I am speaking, of course, of the horror of CULOTTES!

YES BITCH I am looking at you, curling my lip at your floppy-ass skirtpants.

YES BITCH I am looking at you, curling my lip at your floppy-ass skirtpants.

I fucking hate culottes. They are floppy, shapeless, unflattering, and sloppy looking. And it's not just me - culottes have been hated for longer than you think! The French word "culotte" means an item of clothing worn on the lower half of the body. In France in the 1700s, it referred specifically to the little short-pants aristocratic men would wear - you know the type, the ones that button under the knee and are tight and also you wear hose underneath them.  The term "sans-culottes" was used to describe working-class revolutionaries during the french revolution of 1789. It quite literally means "without culottes" - a name derived from their rejection of artistocratic apparel - ie, those horrid culottes!

Not unlike a 18th-century French revolutionary, I also despise culottes! Behold, a cabinet of contemporary culotte horrors:

From COS - when I could, I included the price. $125 for these monstrosities! I'm sorry girl, but you look like a clown in clown's clothing.

From COS - when I could, I included the price. $125 for these monstrosities! I'm sorry girl, but you look like a clown in clown's clothing.

A more appropriate price to pay for a pair of shitty elastic-waist poly-velour pajama pants to wear to your 5th grade winter dance.

A more appropriate price to pay for a pair of shitty elastic-waist poly-velour pajama pants to wear to your 5th grade winter dance.

$68 for this hawt look. Not fumpy or goofy at all. Definitely doesn't look like that model is just holding a cardboard cut out of pants, drawn by a preschooler, in front of her legs. TOTALLY NORMAL NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS.

$68 for this hawt look. Not fumpy or goofy at all. Definitely doesn't look like that model is just holding a cardboard cut out of pants, drawn by a preschooler, in front of her legs. TOTALLY NORMAL NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS.

Urban Outfitters gets into the culottes game - HIGH QUALITY - guaranteed to give you a yeast infection, or at least a weird rash on your thighs!

Urban Outfitters gets into the culottes game - HIGH QUALITY - guaranteed to give you a yeast infection, or at least a weird rash on your thighs!

I'm pretty sure I would have thought these pants were SUPER FANCY AND GLAMOROUS when I was 8 years old. I was wrong to think that.

I'm pretty sure I would have thought these pants were SUPER FANCY AND GLAMOROUS when I was 8 years old. I was wrong to think that.

OKAY so what I don't get is why you have to take a fun, shiny, ridiculous fabric and make it into honestly the least-flattering, frumpiest item of clothing possible! I mean, make a circle skirt out of that shit. Or some sort of weird coat. It looks like this model is shoving herself into her little sister's pants And her sister is a raver from beyooooond the moooon. Buy something in your own size, dummy!

OKAY so what I don't get is why you have to take a fun, shiny, ridiculous fabric and make it into honestly the least-flattering, frumpiest item of clothing possible! I mean, make a circle skirt out of that shit. Or some sort of weird coat. It looks like this model is shoving herself into her little sister's pants And her sister is a raver from beyooooond the moooon. Buy something in your own size, dummy!

A $59 cry for help

A $59 cry for help

Truly a thing of nightmares, these pants are made of shitty polyester, look like lampshades from the 70s, and can be yours for the low low price of ONE HUNDRED SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS.

Truly a thing of nightmares, these pants are made of shitty polyester, look like lampshades from the 70s, and can be yours for the low low price of ONE HUNDRED SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS.

YIKES. If you're buying shit like these pants for this much money, I have a little secret for you... yeah, lean in close... YOU COULD GET THESE EXACT PANTS AT A DRESS BARN OR CHICOS FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE YOU'RE PAYING HERE. ANOTHER OPTION IS LITERALLY ANY THRIFT STORE EVER. WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. IT WAS CALLED THE LATE 80S/EARLY 90S. Seriously, there are already so many fugly items of clothing with these chintzy-ass mauve flower prints on them. Why more? Why???

YIKES. If you're buying shit like these pants for this much money, I have a little secret for you... yeah, lean in close... YOU COULD GET THESE EXACT PANTS AT A DRESS BARN OR CHICOS FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE YOU'RE PAYING HERE. ANOTHER OPTION IS LITERALLY ANY THRIFT STORE EVER. WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. IT WAS CALLED THE LATE 80S/EARLY 90S. Seriously, there are already so many fugly items of clothing with these chintzy-ass mauve flower prints on them. Why more? Why???

PART II: JEANS

Alright, so that was just the PANTS side of the culottes equation, y'all. And seriously, I'm not going to mince words. Okay, deep breath.... We're getting very, very close to full-on elephant-pants, chode-legged JNCO territory. If for some reason, you are lucky enough to not know what JNCOs are (ie, maybe you didn't go to high school in the late 90s/early 2000s - GOOD FOR YOU), sorry, but it's time for your innocence to be well and truly shattered.

SOME EXAMPLES OF JNCOs:

JNCOs, also known as "raver pants" to my high school friends, were low-waisted, giant-pocketed, HUGELY hemmed jeans that were really fucking cool and popular like 17 years ago. They were always made of denim - the black ones were more popular with my friends group because we were on stage crew and had to wear black during shows/teen gothism - and were usually not seen without some sort of studded belt holding them up, and a wallet chain leading from belt loop to pocket. In any event, though I did indeed wear bellbottoms and flares, I never really understood the appeal of these elephantine-legged jeans. That's a lot of denim to drag around. Also, why do you want to be able to fit a small child into each of your pant legs? IS IT THAT YOUR PANTS ARE SO BIG BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF SECRETS? I don't know. What I do know is, these jeans are disgusting. Behold:

 

Appropriately priced. I mean, if you're gonna look like shit... at least have the sense to not overpay.

Appropriately priced. I mean, if you're gonna look like shit... at least have the sense to not overpay.

Could these cropped jeans be the fucking worst? Yes, they can. PLUS these come with one of my other most-hated trends of 2017: "released hems".

Could these cropped jeans be the fucking worst? Yes, they can. PLUS these come with one of my other most-hated trends of 2017: "released hems".

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE GARBAGE CLOWN JEANS. Look at the hems! Nearly $300 for this crap!

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE GARBAGE CLOWN JEANS. Look at the hems! Nearly $300 for this crap!

Aren't anyone's ankles really cold? I mean really.

Aren't anyone's ankles really cold? I mean really.

In conclusion, don't be a fool - when the revolution comes, I know of at least one item of clothing we will NOT be wearing! Vive le sans culottes!