ALERT! ALERT! 'FETCH' IS HAPPENING! I REPEAT, THEY MADE 'FETCH' HAPPEN!

OH MY GOD, Y’ALL. It has been A WHILE. So many horrific fashions have come and… like, stayed. Let’s make a little list of things I’ve been meaning to bitch about:

  • Fucking Birkenstocks: people are wearing them without shame. Still.

  • Horrible straight-across necklines with spaghetti straps (not unlike a dress I made to wear to a formal dance in high school circa 1999) were back and popular this summer.

  • Wide, short pants continue their reign of terror.

  • RIDICULOUS SLEEVES REFUSE TO DIE

  • Giant, hideous sneakers - because clowns r so hot right now?

  • TEVAS.

I mean, there are many more, and hopefully I will get it together to write actual posts about some of the shit listed above sometime. But like, yo, I really have to talk to you all about something important. Like, really important. It’s called, ahem, POLARFLEECE IS NOW TRENDY, FUCKING KILL ME.

BEHOLD:

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Yes, that’s a bunch of fucking nubby, stanky, just-looking-at-them-makes-me-feel-sweaty, godforsaken POLARFLEECE JACQUETS available for purchase (at the low low price of one hundred thirty eight fucking dollars) from JCrew.

Let’s take a closer look at one of these bad boys:

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Ah, I see the half-zip is a mere $128! For the poors! According to J.Crew, “Yes, the fleece jacket is back, and better than ever.” Bitch, I honestly beg to differ. First of all, it’s still polarfleece - which, in case you didn’t know, is a bunch of plastic extruded into fibers and made into fabric, for mondo sweatiness. Second of all, just looking at this shit makes me think of the great polar fleece craze of ‘95, when Old Navy was new and exciting and everyone’s mom bought them a selection of hideous polar fleece zip-down sweater things in awful jewel tones for xmas.

Like, what the FUCK is up with this trend???

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100% nubby-ass polyester! For $350! WHAT!!!

What is up with this fluffy polyester “teddy bear coat” trend???? These coats are all going to look like the filthy, matted rug of a chuck-e-cheez in a matter of weeks!

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Low stock on Asos.com! Better snap up this brown polyester turd coat before some other betch does!

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There’s nothing like paying over $250 for an item of clothing made entirely of polyester, wouldn’t you agree?

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If brown isn’t your style, maybe this depressive pink will do it for you?

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Or maybe this little number, straight outta the J.Jill catalogue circa 1998, via contemporary retailer Anthropologie, is more your style? Still 100% polyester, still over $100, still makes you look like a fluffy fool.

So, who can we blame for this trend?

I will give you one word.

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Apparently Balenciaga made some stupid furry coat that costs like $5,000 last fall and that’s now what everyone is copying. Here’s Kim Kardashian, looking truly tragic, in said coat:

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BARF, dude! BARF.

Look, man, wear what you want. But don’t expect me to call polar fleece and/or various fluffy polyester separates “fashion”. Here’s what it is really is: clothes for people who want to look like they go on hikes a lot. So, go take a hike, and maybe wear something made of natural fibers.

That's Nasty! Worst of 2017: Sleeves, WTF.

by Simone

Let's continue my series of worst trends of the year posts not with a rant about the pernicious trend towards complete and total capitalist fascism that is sweeping our country, but with a rant about something way more important and timely: SLEEVES AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM THESE DAYS.

You may be asking yourself, but Simone, what's wrong with sleeves? Aren't they just arm coverings that attach to your shirt or whatever? Maybe you're being a little too sensitive What could possibly be the issue?

THE ISSUE IS THIS:

 Fucking floppy ass plate-skimmers from J.Crew.

Fucking floppy ass plate-skimmers from J.Crew.

I cannot with this floppy, bell-sleeve, tied-sleeve, ruffled-sleeve, BALLOON-sleeve trend. First of all, all that fabric flopping around your wrists and hands - all I can think about is trying to eat literally anything - that fabric is immediately gonna get dunked in your soup, dragged through your salad, plopped into your pasta sauce. NOT TO MENTION that this trend is basically a re-imagining of the horrific "poet's blouse" trend of 1992-3. And do I really need to remind you of THIS?

 Madewell gets in on the tiered-bell-sleeve action.

Madewell gets in on the tiered-bell-sleeve action.

Second of all, I'm not talking about tailored, beautifully crafted crazy sleeves of ye olden times, nor some sort of intricately detailed couture sleeve from a vintage Balenciaga design. Nor is this a  CAMPY dramatic sleeve - crazy ruffled puffy sleeves on a 1930s gown, or a fabulous flowy butterfly sleeve on a caftan - THAT I appreciate! This shit is hella boring, made of shitty materials, and like... not fun in any way.

 Grey. Random tiers of floppy ruffles. Made of sweatshirt materials. WHY.

Grey. Random tiers of floppy ruffles. Made of sweatshirt materials. WHY.

I mean, I know that Mary already wrote about this, but WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE RANDOM-ASS RUFFLES? It's like you let an overly confident fifth-grader loose in a fabric store with a pair of scissors and a glue gun.

 Blahhhhhhhhhh

Blahhhhhhhhhh

 I suppose it goes without saying that I also hate the "cold shoulder" trend. I hate that it's called "cold shoulder", I want to poke everyone's weirdly bare shoulders, and also why the FUCK would you do this to a sweater, which is (ostensibly) supposed to keep you warm? I MEAN REALLY.

I suppose it goes without saying that I also hate the "cold shoulder" trend. I hate that it's called "cold shoulder", I want to poke everyone's weirdly bare shoulders, and also why the FUCK would you do this to a sweater, which is (ostensibly) supposed to keep you warm? I MEAN REALLY.

 Quel Tragique.

Quel Tragique.

 If you're gonna have ruffles burst forth from your nipples, maybe they should have a little more pizzazz. I mean what the fuck is going on here? These ruffles look like gills, and not in a fun "little mermaid" kinda way.

If you're gonna have ruffles burst forth from your nipples, maybe they should have a little more pizzazz. I mean what the fuck is going on here? These ruffles look like gills, and not in a fun "little mermaid" kinda way.

 Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

Yeah, I have to actually talk about the red sweater posted above. Does anyone remember those gross chenile-ish sweaters from the later 90s - you know what i mean, they were made of polyester, and we fluffy like you'd skinned an off-brand muppet, and they would be like really small looking but they stretched out hella much when you put them on? They came in gross colors like the one above, but also BRIGHT ORANGE and CHARTREUSE. They are so cheap and disgusting, and I owned at least a couple in my teen years. That shit is not worth $88.50, much less the ORIGINAL NON-SALE PRICE OF ONE HUNDRED EIGHTEEN DOLLARS. Also: bell sleeves. Clearly this really fills me with rage. MOVING ON.

 A balloon sleeve in a grey sweater-knit. Lovely.

A balloon sleeve in a grey sweater-knit. Lovely.

 THIS SWEATER HAS A SKIN CONDITION. STAY AWAY.

THIS SWEATER HAS A SKIN CONDITION. STAY AWAY.

 Worst mermaid costume ever.

Worst mermaid costume ever.

I'll end with a more recent addition to the ridiculous sleeves trend, which is something I like to call "the straightjacket look". Yep, just slap a bow on your too-loose sleeves and you too can rock this "look"!

UGH. I'm done. Honestly, it's hard to find a sweater out there right now, guys. Can't wait for all of these pieces of crap to be dumped into the thrift stores in about 4 months.

That's Nasty! The Worst Fashion Trends of 2017: CULOTTES

by Simone

I am hereby inaugurating an ongoing series of posts called "That's Nasty!", in which Mary and I will dissect current gross fashion trends, and explain why they are so offensive and NASTY. Today's totally nasty fashion item is what I consider, personally, to be one of the most disgusting trends of 2017. I am speaking, of course, of the horror of CULOTTES!

 YES BITCH I am looking at you, curling my lip at your floppy-ass skirtpants.

YES BITCH I am looking at you, curling my lip at your floppy-ass skirtpants.

I fucking hate culottes. They are floppy, shapeless, unflattering, and sloppy looking. And it's not just me - culottes have been hated for longer than you think! The French word "culotte" means an item of clothing worn on the lower half of the body. In France in the 1700s, it referred specifically to the little short-pants aristocratic men would wear - you know the type, the ones that button under the knee and are tight and also you wear hose underneath them.  The term "sans-culottes" was used to describe working-class revolutionaries during the french revolution of 1789. It quite literally means "without culottes" - a name derived from their rejection of artistocratic apparel - ie, those horrid culottes!

Not unlike a 18th-century French revolutionary, I also despise culottes! Behold, a cabinet of contemporary culotte horrors:

 From COS - when I could, I included the price. $125 for these monstrosities! I'm sorry girl, but you look like a clown in clown's clothing.

From COS - when I could, I included the price. $125 for these monstrosities! I'm sorry girl, but you look like a clown in clown's clothing.

 A more appropriate price to pay for a pair of shitty elastic-waist poly-velour pajama pants to wear to your 5th grade winter dance.

A more appropriate price to pay for a pair of shitty elastic-waist poly-velour pajama pants to wear to your 5th grade winter dance.

 $68 for this hawt look. Not fumpy or goofy at all. Definitely doesn't look like that model is just holding a cardboard cut out of pants, drawn by a preschooler, in front of her legs. TOTALLY NORMAL NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS.

$68 for this hawt look. Not fumpy or goofy at all. Definitely doesn't look like that model is just holding a cardboard cut out of pants, drawn by a preschooler, in front of her legs. TOTALLY NORMAL NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS.

 Urban Outfitters gets into the culottes game - HIGH QUALITY - guaranteed to give you a yeast infection, or at least a weird rash on your thighs!

Urban Outfitters gets into the culottes game - HIGH QUALITY - guaranteed to give you a yeast infection, or at least a weird rash on your thighs!

 I'm pretty sure I would have thought these pants were SUPER FANCY AND GLAMOROUS when I was 8 years old. I was wrong to think that.

I'm pretty sure I would have thought these pants were SUPER FANCY AND GLAMOROUS when I was 8 years old. I was wrong to think that.

 OKAY so what I don't get is why you have to take a fun, shiny, ridiculous fabric and make it into honestly the least-flattering, frumpiest item of clothing possible! I mean, make a circle skirt out of that shit. Or some sort of weird coat. It looks like this model is shoving herself into her little sister's pants And her sister is a raver from beyooooond the moooon. Buy something in your own size, dummy!

OKAY so what I don't get is why you have to take a fun, shiny, ridiculous fabric and make it into honestly the least-flattering, frumpiest item of clothing possible! I mean, make a circle skirt out of that shit. Or some sort of weird coat. It looks like this model is shoving herself into her little sister's pants And her sister is a raver from beyooooond the moooon. Buy something in your own size, dummy!

 A $59 cry for help

A $59 cry for help

 Truly a thing of nightmares, these pants are made of shitty polyester, look like lampshades from the 70s, and can be yours for the low low price of ONE HUNDRED SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS.

Truly a thing of nightmares, these pants are made of shitty polyester, look like lampshades from the 70s, and can be yours for the low low price of ONE HUNDRED SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS.

 YIKES. If you're buying shit like these pants for this much money, I have a little secret for you... yeah, lean in close... YOU COULD GET THESE EXACT PANTS AT A DRESS BARN OR CHICOS FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE YOU'RE PAYING HERE. ANOTHER OPTION IS LITERALLY ANY THRIFT STORE EVER. WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. IT WAS CALLED THE LATE 80S/EARLY 90S. Seriously, there are already so many fugly items of clothing with these chintzy-ass mauve flower prints on them. Why more? Why???

YIKES. If you're buying shit like these pants for this much money, I have a little secret for you... yeah, lean in close... YOU COULD GET THESE EXACT PANTS AT A DRESS BARN OR CHICOS FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE YOU'RE PAYING HERE. ANOTHER OPTION IS LITERALLY ANY THRIFT STORE EVER. WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. IT WAS CALLED THE LATE 80S/EARLY 90S. Seriously, there are already so many fugly items of clothing with these chintzy-ass mauve flower prints on them. Why more? Why???

PART II: JEANS

Alright, so that was just the PANTS side of the culottes equation, y'all. And seriously, I'm not going to mince words. Okay, deep breath.... We're getting very, very close to full-on elephant-pants, chode-legged JNCO territory. If for some reason, you are lucky enough to not know what JNCOs are (ie, maybe you didn't go to high school in the late 90s/early 2000s - GOOD FOR YOU), sorry, but it's time for your innocence to be well and truly shattered.

SOME EXAMPLES OF JNCOs:

JNCOs, also known as "raver pants" to my high school friends, were low-waisted, giant-pocketed, HUGELY hemmed jeans that were really fucking cool and popular like 17 years ago. They were always made of denim - the black ones were more popular with my friends group because we were on stage crew and had to wear black during shows/teen gothism - and were usually not seen without some sort of studded belt holding them up, and a wallet chain leading from belt loop to pocket. In any event, though I did indeed wear bellbottoms and flares, I never really understood the appeal of these elephantine-legged jeans. That's a lot of denim to drag around. Also, why do you want to be able to fit a small child into each of your pant legs? IS IT THAT YOUR PANTS ARE SO BIG BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF SECRETS? I don't know. What I do know is, these jeans are disgusting. Behold:

 

 Appropriately priced. I mean, if you're gonna look like shit... at least have the sense to not overpay.

Appropriately priced. I mean, if you're gonna look like shit... at least have the sense to not overpay.

 Could these cropped jeans be the fucking worst? Yes, they can. PLUS these come with one of my other most-hated trends of 2017: "released hems".

Could these cropped jeans be the fucking worst? Yes, they can. PLUS these come with one of my other most-hated trends of 2017: "released hems".

 TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE GARBAGE CLOWN JEANS. Look at the hems! Nearly $300 for this crap!

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE GARBAGE CLOWN JEANS. Look at the hems! Nearly $300 for this crap!

 Aren't anyone's ankles really cold? I mean really.

Aren't anyone's ankles really cold? I mean really.

In conclusion, don't be a fool - when the revolution comes, I know of at least one item of clothing we will NOT be wearing! Vive le sans culottes!